Welcome to Heaven

6/11/18 I don't know why I can't stop my mind from racing. I've been feeling suicidal and like my life is coming to an end. I haven't had the chance to get people to like me, or miss me when I die. I keep looking back on my life so far and everything just seems sad and pathetic. Like, what more was I expecting to be? I don't think I'm capable of it. I'm just a sad and sorry human being that is physically alive and mentally dying.  No one knows how bad it really is, and I can't tell my parents how much I'm struggling because they're older parents and don't need the stress.  And as for my mother, she'd make it about herself and how she has been so burdened by my poor mental health - and I'm not in the head space to be guilted. I have a perfect time guilting myself over my shortcomings.  I happen to have a lot of faults. In childhood and now. I feel like I'm years behind everyone else in what they have all achieved, and I hav...

((DEAR LYDIA)) 5/09/2018, 11.38 PM How is another human being capable of being able to validate the act of rape? The act in itself is such an act of perverted violence to the point of being torture. Your body feels sensation, but your mind is aware that you aren't willing, and the overwhelming feeling of being a victim who processes two polar opposite emotions makes you hate the ability to even feel anything altogether. I feel like as a rape victim, you'd try to leave your own body as it happened. Wish that your soul could fly away and then return after it was over so you could never remember the painful memories and bitter sensations that it came with. I've known rape victims before, and I've seen their lives fall apart for a number of years and their complete loss of identity. Obviously, in the broader sense there would be strong survivors who inspire and overcome their abuse almost full circle and are an inspiration, worth notable congratulation. But in a sm...

Skeleton AFTER THE IMOGEN SAILED The story follows the life through the perspective of a boy with a mental disorder that limits his ability to empathise and communicate. Norman lives in the town of Pallister, a small village of closely knit old families and traditions. His mother has OCD-like symptoms regarding her son which exceeds the point of being overprotective and enters the realm of abuse. Norman is made to feel severely crippled by his mother, who suggests he is one step off of living his life in a mental institution, and reminds him of this daily if he challenges her rules. His mother is a socialite and well-respected woman of the community and her friends sympathise that her son has mental health problems. Heather, his mother, suggests that her friends' sons should look after him, so he isn't targeted at school by bullies. This is a well-kept secret by Norman's social group John Carmichael, Richard McInnes and Abdul Al-Jazari. Norman's life of restr...

I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE. To be alone and absolutely in total dread is a very overwhelming feeling that only becomes more intimidating as the years pass me by. I live in an unforgiving mind and my situation is helpless. Wherever I go in the world, my condition will follow me like a shadow. I can't escape, I can't even cry about anything loudly. All my emotions are kept inside me, and when they release it's always a thunderstorm and people feel it around me even if I keep it locked up. That's why I'm so lonely. I'm alone in spirit. I feel like my own soul has abandoned me, and doesn't want to stay trapped in my body. I don't even allow myself to be seen as teary. I have learnt the only time to cry is in a black room by myself, with no one available to tell. I feel like my sadness was always greeted with anger by the people who were supposed to guide and protect me. I find it so hard to navigate my way in a world where I am the only person ...

Desdemona  20/06/2018 at 3.51pm  I can feel my mental pain evolve into physical pain. My stomach aches, my mind vibrates with discomfort and my eyes ache from the light around me. I want to hibernate in a dark room and sleep myself to recovery. I wait every single day to wake up feeling a little better like some sort of illness. No one properly understands an ultimate outsider. My body and my head are trying to make me completely unapproachable. I don't like to hear my voice on recording, it sounds very un-feminine. A lot of things about me are not feminine, and I feel like it makes me ugly as a girl. I don't get along with other girls, I feel like they don't understand me, my sense of humour or have a similar way of thinking to me. And I wonder if many people can understand me or if I'm just an outcast of the world. I crave validation and love and reassurance but then I feel like I'm not worthy of it.  HEART OR NO HEART I don't have a heart, I...

Longing and Bitterness "Desdemona Vuitton" I feel a lot of love, and I think that is my bitter curse and downfall in this world. My heart has endless compassion and romantic feelings for all the goodness and sugary positivity of life. Despite this, I have a lot of animosity for my own existence. I think this is because I have such long periods of grief that I feel like there will be no comeback from my periods of extended depression, and when my mind drifts to a nicer place it seems like euphoria. It is sad to think that someone else's simple content demeanour could be my euphoria. I feel manic. I think I've made myself manic in a way, because I've had to do s omething to escape from my downward slope. It's a dangerous slope, it's deadly and I know my mental condition can kill people, they take their own life because it's too much. And I feel that way myself. I feel like I could go that way, and I doubt that others would think much of my own dea...