Welcome to Heaven

14/11/18 I know I need to be a person that people want to be around. I can't convince myself to do this. It just goes so against the negative conversation I have with myself. For years I have gotten so used to believing I'm worthless, lacking substance, lacking talent, lacking personality, being irritating and a burden to be around. Its so much easier to believe the bad things other people say to me, and the bad things I think about myself.  Time and time again I have told myself that no one will want to be around me if all I bring to the table is negativity. This week I was really proud of myself for getting out of my comfort zone and meeting up with a friend. She only ordered a small thing, but I ordered a massive sandwich and felt like a glutton, even though I hadn't eaten all day. When I was with my friend, I didn't want to do anything too upfront, so I didn't take my antidepressants in front of her because I thought it would be weird.  Not taking my m...

6/11/18 I don't know why I can't stop my mind from racing. I've been feeling suicidal and like my life is coming to an end. I haven't had the chance to get people to like me, or miss me when I die. I keep looking back on my life so far and everything just seems sad and pathetic. Like, what more was I expecting to be? I don't think I'm capable of it. I'm just a sad and sorry human being that is physically alive and mentally dying.  No one knows how bad it really is, and I can't tell my parents how much I'm struggling because they're older parents and don't need the stress.  And as for my mother, she'd make it about herself and how she has been so burdened by my poor mental health - and I'm not in the head space to be guilted. I have a perfect time guilting myself over my shortcomings.  I happen to have a lot of faults. In childhood and now. I feel like I'm years behind everyone else in what they have all achieved, and I hav...