no one will care

14/11/18

I know I need to be a person that people want to be around.
I can't convince myself to do this. It just goes so against the negative conversation I have with myself. For years I have gotten so used to believing I'm worthless, lacking substance, lacking talent, lacking personality, being irritating and a burden to be around.
Its so much easier to believe the bad things other people say to me, and the bad things I think about myself. 
Time and time again I have told myself that no one will want to be around me if all I bring to the table is negativity. This week I was really proud of myself for getting out of my comfort zone and meeting up with a friend. She only ordered a small thing, but I ordered a massive sandwich and felt like a glutton, even though I hadn't eaten all day.
When I was with my friend, I didn't want to do anything too upfront, so I didn't take my antidepressants in front of her because I thought it would be weird. 
Not taking my medication became worse, because I felt like I was going shaky and my head was so foggy.
I thought I did okay. But I probably seemed more terrified than like a joy to be around.
My biggest fear is letting people down and not being what they want me to be.

I would have gotten on just fine if my therapist didn't question why I put on certain characters to help me out in social situations. Everyone wears masks and acts differently to who they truly are. There isn't anything wrong with me because I have to throw on a personality to suit people - to me, it's reading the situation like a script and playing the character.
Since our lunch date, she hasn't really messaged me much. I think, or I fear, that she doesn't like me as much as she expected to like me. Because in person, I'm a spineless wreck of a human being. 
No friend stays with me, no friend ever ever ever has. And I don't want to feel like I'm holding people hostage to be my friend if they really just don't want anything to do with me. I'm not for everyone, but the rejection I feel is like physical pain over and over again.

Why are people so important to me? Why are they the yard-stick of how much I matter? I think I must have been taught that what other people think is more important than how I feel. I wasn't well-socialised with children my age, and I always struggled with communicating in a way that wasn't bizarre and overly theatrical.
I got the bizarre personality and theatricality shaken out of me along with all my self esteem by kids my age who could sniff out when someone was different and looked to destroy it.

Today I spent trying to do jobs around the house and look after everyone else, without any recognition for it. In my head I was trying to debate whether or not to self harm, which I haven't in many months, but today seemed like the limit of reasoning with myself.
The debate in my head goes like this.
I feel like hurting myself.
Then why don't you?
I haven't in months, I'll feel terrible afterwards and I don't want to worry about hiding the marks.
Who would care about the marks? No one pays any attention to you anyway.
That's true. No one cares, no one would notice.
Not only would no one noticed if you cut yourself, no one would notice if you died. And to people who read about your death wherever, they wouldn't know who you were. And if by the absolute miracle that they did, they'd be unmoved by it. 
I hate that I've made myself so small, and that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make myself more important.
That's how it was meant to be. You're not someone who was meant to have friends, loved ones. You don't have the personality to keep people entertained. No one wants to know you. And nobody ever will.
I really want to die.
No one will care.