Longing and Bitterness

Longing and Bitterness


"Desdemona Vuitton"

I feel a lot of love, and I think that is my bitter curse and downfall in this world. My heart has endless compassion and romantic feelings for all the goodness and sugary positivity of life. Despite this, I have a lot of animosity for my own existence. I think this is because I have such long periods of grief that I feel like there will be no comeback from my periods of extended depression, and when my mind drifts to a nicer place it seems like euphoria. It is sad to think that someone else's simple content demeanour could be my euphoria.
I feel manic. I think I've made myself manic in a way, because I've had to do something to escape from my downward slope. It's a dangerous slope, it's deadly and I know my mental condition can kill people, they take their own life because it's too much. And I feel that way myself. I feel like I could go that way, and I doubt that others would think much of my own death but a few people would take it personally and for that reason I stay here.

Whether it's my head or reality is a constant debate that I wrestle with. Do people love me, or is it my mania of everything having a drunk positivity about it? I don't feel loved, but I feel a lot of love. I have been told I'm loved but it is a lonely kind of love that is sent from a great distance away and feels intangible, except in small bouts of energy that leave me hungrier for love than ever.
I could be selfish in that way, expecting to be loved as much as I love. I feel embarrassed if that is true. I'm very addicted to being alone, I love the comfort of not having to please anyone around me and staying in a slump of destruction and no one is there to see me suffer. Yet, I feel compelled at times to manically tell anyone who'll listen how in pain I am. No one ever responds to it though, and it's an eye opener to me of how little anybody cares. I reach out to everybody.
My flaw is being too loving and charitable in the emotional sense. Very few people seem to be as compassionate as I am or sensitive. I think about everything and it kills me.
I need to fully tire myself out physically to escape how I feel, and even then it is just softer. Sometimes I do have an escape from it for a while and life will be manageable, but it never lasts for long.

How do people find other people that care about them - and know that they are cared for, and don't need constant reassurance to the point of being a toxic burden. I'm too fragile, and that's evident. I'm a useless person with an artistic soul, with nothing to show for it. No one I'm 'close' with takes appreciation in the small things that I enjoy. I don't know why I like general facts, probably because they are as useless as I am, but interesting if you delve into it. You would have to delve a long way into me to find something remotely interesting.

When I was younger I would research every female name that I could find, find the origin and meaning for them. I was obsessed with it, I thought it was fascinating knowing people's name meanings and origins. I would tell people their name meanings sometimes and they didn't even know it. I liked to tell people that, I didn't do it any more after I was told people would think it was strange. Which is how most of my interests are killed, by other people saying they aren't important.

A lot of irrelevant things seem to have a lot of sentimental value to me, and my heart keeps a little file of everything meaningful. I don't like that quality of me now, it seems to be my downfall that hurts me and makes me more of a target with other people who see my kindness as my weakness.
They know I would hate to hurt anybody and use that against me. I just want to feel loved, and like somebody would nuture me. I want to heal so much. But no one would wait for me to heal, and naturally, I am the one who waits. I am terrified to lose relationships, I cling very silently. I don't know if people sense that I am very desperate to please them and they take advantage of all the friendship in my heart. Although lately, I've learned to leave relationships when they are going quite well, or if I feel like I'm no longer alike to them. I seem to be different to everyone. I wish there was someone else who was like me so I didn't so completely alone in the universe.

I feel like my body is empty and sometimes I feel like I'll fall through the earth because my soul is so heavy and raw with the load of emotions. I know that I'm not the innocent victim in all of this and I have contributed to where I have ended up. I'm too anxious to stick around to make friends. I'm too terrified. I'm too terrified to make people stay and its a vicious cycle of loneliness and not wanting to be responsible for being not liked.

Why can't I be normal? I'm a wreck of a human being in the head. I feel like I would be better off dying to just do something about how I feel and so that no one has to hear me complain about all these "feelings" that I have. I just need for someone to grip me really tightly for hours, just once and feel like I am being supported in this really painfully alone world. It isn't this lonely for everyone else, I'm so dangerously alone within myself I feel surprised that I am even a person.

I have lost sight of what gives me happiness in life. And everybody gets offended if I say something like that out loud, like they aren't good enough of a reason to jump out of bed in the morning knowing that they exist. But those people aren't the ones who have to tolerate me during my mania, my break downs, and my ugliest moments. So they just seem like passing shadows. I'm the one with the body that seems to be stuck between two planes of longing and bitterness.