black cloud

I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE.



To be alone and absolutely in total dread is a very overwhelming feeling that only becomes more intimidating as the years pass me by. I live in an unforgiving mind and my situation is helpless. Wherever I go in the world, my condition will follow me like a shadow. I can't escape, I can't even cry about anything loudly.
All my emotions are kept inside me, and when they release it's always a thunderstorm and people feel it around me even if I keep it locked up. That's why I'm so lonely.
I'm alone in spirit. I feel like my own soul has abandoned me, and doesn't want to stay trapped in my body.

I don't even allow myself to be seen as teary. I have learnt the only time to cry is in a black room by myself, with no one available to tell. I feel like my sadness was always greeted with anger by the people who were supposed to guide and protect me.
I find it so hard to navigate my way in a world where I am the only person who can protect me.

My biggest hatred is being alone with no other option of company. And it's a hatred that I feel like I have lived for a painful amount of time and has only brought me to be too quick to believe all other people have to offer me is pain.

When I think of friendship all I think is pain. I think of awkward beginnings and irrelevant small talk and then the pain of losing them like all the other friends I have lost. The problem is me, whether I'm cursed to be isolated or if my character resembles a black cloud to everybody else.
I wonder what it's like to be someone else more than I try to figure out how to help myself. I feel like I'm beyond help, I feel like death is my only option.
My aura is a very black and sorrowful cloud. It wants love, but only receives hate.

I was always taught to put others before myself so now they all walk all over me like I'm transparent. I have never established myself as anything other than a giver, and deemed 'selfish' by my the people who raised. That crushed me, to see others flow through life so freely and I felt like I was in chains bound by guilt and shame for standing my ground.

The black wave of depression isn't a wave, it's a very slow tsunami that leaves my whole world flooded. I hate dealing with the fight of not letting myself give in to the current that always pulls me in the direction of suicide. I hate having to deal with it alone. I hate feeling weak, and I make up for this shame of being weak by not crying and not revealing anything of myself to unfamiliar people ever. I don't ever want them to see me vulnerable.