Don't even bother

6/11/18

I don't know why I can't stop my mind from racing. I've been feeling suicidal and like my life is coming to an end. I haven't had the chance to get people to like me, or miss me when I die. I keep looking back on my life so far and everything just seems sad and pathetic.
Like, what more was I expecting to be? I don't think I'm capable of it. I'm just a sad and sorry human being that is physically alive and mentally dying. 
No one knows how bad it really is, and I can't tell my parents how much I'm struggling because they're older parents and don't need the stress. 
And as for my mother, she'd make it about herself and how she has been so burdened by my poor mental health - and I'm not in the head space to be guilted. I have a perfect time guilting myself over my shortcomings. 
I happen to have a lot of faults. In childhood and now. I feel like I'm years behind everyone else in what they have all achieved, and I have to blame myself for that. I'm socially backwards, I fear people so much that it sabotages my hopes to not be alone.
People my age have their license, I don't.
People my age are in university, I'm not.
People my age can function properly, I'm not.
I feel like my life has been fairly consistent with my failures and I feel like its going to be one big massive consistent failure that I won't be able to cope with. 
I desperately need to be helped, but I'm so useless why even bother trying to help nature take its course and let my brain kill me.
When I was a kid into my early teens I tried so hard to avoid using the word "I" in sentences, I don't know why, I think I tried to not sound selfish. To really hurt my feelings, is to call me selfish.
People thought that I was really weird as a kid, and I tried to change everything about myself and at this stage, it's made me completely lost. 
I'm in full belief that I don't have a purpose. I have a creative mind with no artistic ability and everyone who comes in contact with me doesn't understand me, and immediately establishes that I'm not a friend. 
I'm just finished with being abandoned and ignored by everyone. If I didn't get beaten down by everyone, I could have formed a personality. But I'm nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. 
I wish I had some substance to me. But liking everything, and wanting to be kind isn't enough, it just takes and takes and takes from your soul.
Why am I here.
I tried to die four years ago. Back when I was young and didn't want to face the future. Now the future is here, and it terrifies me. I'm not strong enough to face it. 
I want to escape my own head. When I have plenty to do, I'm fine. I still have the underlying feelings of neglect and knowing people give me a bad reception, but I can deal with it.
When I have a lot of time, I think if I'm not working that my existence is completely and utterly useless, and nothing creative that I would want to do matters at all because it counts for nothing, it makes a contribution of nothing. 
My head feels dizzy and dehydrated and there's no amount of water I could drink that eases it up. I want to sleep, but I can't. I can't sleep at night, my mind jumps from thoughts of the past way too much for me to feel relaxed enough to sleep. I feel like I don't deserve relaxation if I haven't worked hard. 
My life seems to be a whole compilation of just not feeling like I deserve this or that. 
Someone has made me feel this way, I don't think anybody who is raised in an ideal environment feels so small and disposable.
I know a list of people who have, but my bad mental health isn't about pointing fingers at people who have led to my outcome. 
For a while I was going pretty well. I was reading the Celestine Prophecy sequel, and felt like my life could be improved for the better. When I stopped reading it, I didn't want to pick it up again. I felt too miserable to improve myself, and doubted that I could even get better.
I tried to apply for university but felt too useless and without purpose that I couldn't bring myself to pick a course.
I have no one to confide in who can guide me with their expertise, like a psychologist.
I'm too scared to show up to my usual psychologist after cancelling appointment after appointment. 
I don't want to go back if I haven't achieved even the littlest thing after being absent for so long. 
I know my psychologist probably thinks I'm pathetic, and that's why she's probably given up on me like everybody else. 
Other people sense my negative energy, and I walk through life with a sign on my head saying don't even bother.